in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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