My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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