so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
