Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(651): View more from Minnesota

nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent

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(440): View more from Ohio

so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament

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(734): View more from Michigan

If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(713): View more from Texas

Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?

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(305): View more from Florida

Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!

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