Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
