I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
