Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
