seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
