Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
