when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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