My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
