I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
