I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
