well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
