Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
