i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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