having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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