not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
My ATM looks so different sober.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
