I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm both gender and math confused
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
