Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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