Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
