Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
