If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
