She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
