Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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