It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
