true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
