Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
