im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
