got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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