i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
