u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
