I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Randomize
