When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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