K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Randomize
