No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
