I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
