My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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