A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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