im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
