Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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