I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
