Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
