I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
