Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
