ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
