Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
