I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
