never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
