You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
