Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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