All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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