If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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